ADHD From Over Promise and Under Deliver to Under Promise and Over Deliver
One thing that could be thought of as a social skill is the operating from the private internal philosophy of striving to under promise and over deliver. Many people, especially those with ADHD, find themselves in situations of over promising and under delivering thus negatively impacting relationships.
Generally when we say that someone over promises and under delivers, it means that person doesn’t keep his/her word. They agree to meet somewhere to do something or get something done and they either never show up or are late. They may not do the task, complete it late or do it with poor quality. Many with ADHD can fall into the habit of over promising and under delivering in part due to impulsivity. In the moment when the boss, friend or family member directs one to do something; part of the impulsivity to please someone in the moment is to just say yes. Many do this without checking the calendars to see if they have time or thinking through other commitments. This causes the over promising and under delivering scenario.
If you haven’t gotten the training on how a calendar can support ADHD and worked with someone to find a way that works with your ADHD, I would highly recommend doing this hard work. By not having the skills to plan and complete projects, and not developing some habit that cause you to say, “Let me check my calendar and get back with you tomorrow” you may be negatively impacting relationships. Make time to create this habit so you have plenty of time to check your schedule and other responsibilities. This also allows you to have a moment to think about if you want to do what has been asked.
On the flip side, to under promise and over deliver, is usually created by a combination of:
- Having that default “Let me get back to you” habit or some phrase you could adopt, memorize and make your own as an auto response to someone asking you to do something. This eliminates getting into a situation where you agreed to do something you are unable to do or unable to do well in the time you’ve agreed to do it.
- Doing the work to create a calendar system. This process would include spending the time to select and develop a calendar program along with triggers to help you remember to check your calendar regularly to see what’s in it, help you enter data as it comes in and update other data.
- Mastering project planning and completion, not in the way other family members, coworkers or teachers necessarily want you to do, but finding a way that you can have a work around with your own ADHD symptoms.
Under promising and over delivering means that if you agreed to get a task done in two weeks but you know pretty much for certain based upon your skill level, calendar, and availability of time and energy; that you can do it in a week; you make the agreement to do it in two weeks. So if the project actually takes 13 days, due to life happening, you are still completing the project a day early. Rather than if in a knee jerk response you said, “Oh I can get this done in a week.” Then when life inevitably happens and it takes 13 days, you are delivering the project 6 days late.
So that’s the idea, some people get a little confused in thinking this is deceitful or even lying, however that is not the case. It is just taking into account that life happens, meaning things come up that weren’t planned or expected. Any number of things could come up that delay things from happening so it’s an art and skill to allow for the unexpected emergencies and inconveniences. We know they are coming and we are mindful of the fact that we don’t know when thus we keep it in mind when making agreements. The beautiful thing about that is it often it allows you to do something a little sooner or a little better than you agreed to do it. So keep that in mind when you are making agreements to do something by a certain time, give yourself a window of time to consider if you want to agree or not and give yourself the luxury of time to assure yourself that you keep your word. That’s how this fits into the social skills arena, it helps you build great relationships because friends, coworkers and family will learn from experience, over a period of time that when you agree to do something you will do it and you will do it on time. This makes for great relationships.
